Freak Outs, Peanut Butter, and Provision

This season of support raising is very interesting. It is slower than I thought it would be. Since high school my life has been nonstop activity. This is the first time I can actually spend the whole day working on one thing, and sometimes it feels like I’m doing nothing.

That feeling gives me panic attacks.

We only have x-amount of our budget raised, and rent is coming up soon. What are we going to do? Are we going to be able to survive? I need to stop writing these letters and start meeting with people. But I need to write the letters to do that, and follow-up phone calls feel so scary and awkward. But that’s the only way to get meetings. God, is it going to get to a point where we can’t even afford Ramon? Now that would suck! 

Because I only have $0.05 in the bank. NOT!

Of course this is all just me freaking out, over reacting, and distrusting God.

But today was one of those freak out days.

And poor Brandon.

In my panic I may or may not have snapped at him… may or may not have been rude and inconsiderate to the fact that he is working 2 jobs so that I can build our team full-time… may or may not have snapped at him again, out of stress, over something completely unrelated… may or may not have owed him a few apologizes in a matter of just an hour and a half!

Oh how thankful I am that God is patient with me!

Tonight He decided to show me Who is boss. A couple more people committed to join our team financially. And the amounts almost made me cry! If the shock of their generosity wasn’t enough, groceries were delivered to the apartment. As I opened the bag, the first thing I noticed was a jar of peanut butter.

We have been running out of peanut butter and I did not want to go to the store for more. Frankly, it sometimes feels like it should not be in the budget. Peanut butter can add up when your husband is a lover of the stuff. But that is the least of my budget worries: Brandon prefers to only eat natural, because he’s a hippie or something. Obviously I’m all about the dollar, so I buy the giant containers of PB from Costco that is filled with all sorts of chemicals that will kill us because it is not natural (Brandon would argue). But it is cheaper and my irrational fear tells me that Ramon might soon be a luxury, so it is actually very prudent.

So what is in the bag?? Natural peanut butter! Natural! Here’s a picture:



But there was more in the bag: handmade wheat tortillas, wheat angel hair spaghetti, etc. If you are ever going to cook for my husband, you need to know that Brandon only eats angel hair spaghetti. And of course he only likes eating wheat because it is more expensive (he tells me it’s because it’s healthier, but I think he is just likes spending money). But what was in the bag?!?!?!?! Wheat!!

You may all think that I am a money control freak and over reacting to the little things but…. GOD IS SO FREAKING GOOD!!!! SO GOOD!!!! Such simple, little things that really are not expensive that are the most encouraging things to me right now! I guess this is how small faith grows!

God has blessed us and we have enough in the bank, but not having a regular paycheck coming in messes with me. Instead of releasing finances to God, I find myself clutching onto it. My moments of sanity are increasing, but sometimes it takes today’s little things to get me level-headed again.

God’s patience and faithfulness overwhelm me. Who knew PB would make me feel loved by Him so much?!

Now if you want to eat something almost heavenly, may I suggest Oreo cookies and peanut butter!!

As I sit here in my living room, processing everything, and looking around at all my furnishings, I am rather disappointed in myself. That I would stress over money like I do and forget how rich I am. I was just in the barrios last month. I am no where close to financial struggle. TWO couches, beast shelves, a fridge, oven, microwave, kitchen table, heavenly bed, clothes in the closet and dresser…. what am I doing worrying about money? I am one of the riches people on earth!!

The little things are worth celebrating still. Natural peanut butter is always a big deal. Having family drop off groceries just because is always a big deal. But finances does not have to be a big deal. He knows what I need and do not need. It does not even matter whether He gives me what I need, He is faithful and He provides. If He chooses to provide for me, hallelujah! If He does not, He is still God and I am not. In all things I must be a good steward, with my treasure and time and talent.

So friends, let us celebrate the small stuff, surrender the stress to God, bask in His presence, and give Him glory!

–Breanna Vales

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